Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
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I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Something Saturday.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits