“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
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Life with a cat in one tweet
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
No Google it does not
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃