Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
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Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Beware of the dog..
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?