ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
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*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.