Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
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“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
*reads recipe and sees āraisinsā
Well, thatās not going to happen.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
when there are deer in the woods
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3ā¦2ā¦1ā¦take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Iāve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Have a lovely day š
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called āAdd Profileā on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later iām still watching
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinkingā¦ āIām going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.ā
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, heās still waiting.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
fed my baby with a knife* today if youāre wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
āIs Pepsi okay?ā
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsiās disturbing drawings.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him