I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat