[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
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My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.