For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
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Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My safe word is Worcestershire
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off