Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
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A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Chemical wingman
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*