“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
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Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.