i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
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FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.