That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
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Selfie
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?