My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
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Weirdly Wednesday.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.