[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
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There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
this will hang in the louvre one day
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.