Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
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i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
That’s not how days work.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.