Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
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My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
oh my gosh!!
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy