the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
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Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast