My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
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on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs