My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
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I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.