date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
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Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Seals are just dog mermaids.