Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
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Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.