If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
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Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Sorry I made promises on Friday
This kid is going places
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.