Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
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what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”