Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
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My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Easy enough.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Erm…
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces