Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
You Might Also Like
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
#DesignFail
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas