My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
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LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you