4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
You Might Also Like
My current situation
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”