Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
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[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Guantanamo Bae
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
In Canada they just call them geese
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.