[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
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*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.