will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
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If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.