guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
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What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.