What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
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I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I want this so bad
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?