DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
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Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.