When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
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Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.