*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
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[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
🤣dope
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened