That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
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I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.