Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
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I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
your honor my client chooses dare
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.