Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.