Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
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DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I’d use my best pan on you.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..