Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
You Might Also Like
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
me adding lol on a serious message
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.