Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
You Might Also Like
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher