may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
You Might Also Like
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here