Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
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“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Oh we’ve met.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
for all #parents out there
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.