[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
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A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
mmm onion ringos
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point