“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
You Might Also Like
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Not my job 😂
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…