Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
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*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*