Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
You Might Also Like
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…