Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
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wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Wanna get rich?
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the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this