Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
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If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
technically true but not a great slogan
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.