I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
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Birds & Planes.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
giddy up Office Depot
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.